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I feel so unsafe now.
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There is a hole inside of my chest.
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Ugh.
Wow. Remember when I said I loved you more? And then you said you loved me more, but I said you didn’t, and then you pinned me down and we made out for like 5 minutes straight? I knew I loved you more. How could you possibly love me more if you just kicked me out of your life? Answer me. “It’s her you’ll always love, and her I’ll always envy.” That quote says so much. The sad thing is I still love you. So much. I basically handed my heart to you thinking you handed yours to me. But you stole it back. Now you have both your heart, and mine. Here I am. Sitting here. Waiting for you to realize that Ashley probably never changed. Or “matured” as you would call it. I miss us. I miss you telling me that I was always on your mind. If anyone hurt me, you’d kill them. I miss you telling me how much you love me, and WHY you loved me. I really miss you saying “don’t worry, when summer comes, we’ll be together almost every day and life will be even more perfect” I miss you calling ME perfect. I. MISS. YOU. please love me again, please. I’m small, and needy, and right now I need you.
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That dream
“It’s as if he just dissolved away. Disintegrated. I’ve had gut feelings, dreams, just weird thoughts of him fading away. Walking away down an endless path that just got darker and darker, leaving me in a cold puddle of rain, blood, and tears. Leaving behind the smell of his cigarette and our memories. Just fading away into the darkness, and loneliness just grows. Insomnia comes back. I don’t eat. I just don’t want to. These were my dreams, and look. Look now. I even told him about them.
“Emily, I would never do that. We’re too perfect. I’ll never leave you. I love you.”
from my previous post….
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Well this is my personal blog that no one knows about.
I’m so fragile. I’m just surprised. Drew went so fucking soon, it hurts. Literally. Every time I think of him, the inside of my chest literally hurts. I fucking hate this. This is what I felt when …he.. Abandoned me. I feel so abandoned. I have Danni. I have Meg. I have Nick. Jeff. John. I have many friends. But really my heart just craves someone who makes it beat faster. Just by the sound of his voice. Little things, like the way he walks, talks, his voice oh god, his smell, his clothes, the way he does things. Simple little things that give me butterflies, crazy butterflies… All those small, tiny things that barely matter that just remind me of him. The music. The birds, the trees, the grass, the stars, the fucking sky. It’s as if he just dissolved away. Disintegrated. I’ve had gut feelings, dreams, just weird thoughts of him fading away. Walking away down an endless path that just got darker and darker, leaving me in a cold puddle of rain, blood, and tears. Leaving behind the smell of his cigarette and our memories. Just fading away into the darkness, and loneliness just grows. Insomnia comes back. I don’t eat. I just don’t want to. These were my dreams, and look. Look now. I even told him about them.
“Emily, I would never do that. We’re too perfect. I’ll never leave you. I love you.”
It’s sick how you can just say something like that, and then disappear. I feel like there’s a hole inside of my chest now. It feels very empty. Literally, I feel like some part of me has had a hole burned through it. Empty. It always feels like someone’s sitting on my chest. And it hurts. But it just reminds me that none of this is imaginary. You said you loved me. You meant it, at least a little. No one can just say that. No one. I can’t. Which kills me even more, because I miss it so much. Waking up to your texts, at least 3 saying “I love you baby”, “Goodnight” and “Goodmorning baby(: how was your sleep?”
Have you any idea how much you’ve impacted me? Especially after youknowwho? What the fuck, Drew. You wear your heart on your fucking sleeve. Switching from one girl to the next. Ashley, then me, than ashley again? remember how she treated you? Remember how I said I would never do anything like that? Well, I’m a girl of my word. I meant it. I don’t lie, I hate lying. You know one of my deepest secrets.
Shatter. Shudder. Cringe. Tear. Just missing all of this. I miss having someone there to tell me how important I am, telling me you think of me all the time, that I’m yours, and your mine. Even in the morning, when your just waking up, you’re still beautiful to me. And I you. I try not to crave just any kind of love, I crave yours. You’re different. I still know you are. I’m aware that you didn’t TRY to hurt my feelings, and thats why I know you are still different, and that’s why I love you. You. are. fucking. amazing. So why did you do it? Why did you just completely kick me out of your life? How could you? Have you know shame?
What nerve you have, Drew. What fucking nerve. Leave me here. Just like that. It’s all about what’s right for you. What’s right for me stopped mattering a long time ago. This hurts so damn much. Fucking ouch.
I miss you. I want you to come crawling back to me. I really really hope you do, some time soon. I’ll ignore you at first. But eventually, I will give in, because I’ve really fallen for you. And I didn’t lie about it, I was not lying at all. You lied this whole time. Telling me you fell for me. Telling me you love me with all your heart and everything you have. Telling me that we’re perfect. You bloody lier. But I miss those lies. I want to hear them. They’re nice to hear, especially when they are true. Not lies. It would have been much easier if you decided to hurt me later. Way later than this. It’s just so soon, and now you’ve made me even more fragile than I was before. I’m a very thin shard of glass, and you dropped me on the cement. It was amazing while it lasted, but I wish it lasted longer. Sooo much longer. Like forever. Like you said. But all good things DO come to an end, its the harsh truth that we all have to face. But just…so soon…ouch. ouch, again.
I love you.
I still do.
I hope I cross your mind, at least a little bit.
